Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Oh man, I am reborn!

Once again, I'm apologizing. This time, it's for not fixing all the details on the new site in a timely manner. By now, I'm sure any of you regulars who check in here from time to time know I'm not one who sits on my laptop all day, typing furious updates to fill your minds with my needless crap. That's not my scene. But I'll admit, I worked hard on the new site; I should've gotten it right by now. Unfortunately, about the time I set the new design out to face the challenges of the virtual world, real life kicked me in the ass. Hard.

A couple months ago, I had my heart broken. But unlike the handful of times it's happened before, this one really fucked me up. I have been debilitated, unable to eat, sleep, play music, even think clearly. Feeling this down for this long has kind of perpetuated my sadness, thinking I should be okay by now but not being able to bounce back. And yesterday, as I was sitting on the toilet at work, pretending to pee but quietly crying, I asked myself, "What the hell is my problem? I've never been this broken up over a guy before," but I don't think it's just him. I think it's a mix bag of feeling like a good one got away and, upon using this hiccup in happiness as a way to look at where my life is, realizing I'm not totally psyched with it.

Anywho, yesterday band practice with Recoupero got cancelled, freeing me up to go see Jonah play with his main gig, The Brandon Butler Band. I was pretty psyched going this show, as I'd seen them a couple times before, and they simply kick ass. I think Jonah's description of a dirty blues/ bar band is right on the money. Half the fun for me is watching him play 'cause he's quickly become one of my favorite bass players (and I get to play with him! win!), the other half is hearing him lock in with their drummer, Brendon Canty (who, besides being the guy on the skins in Fugazi, is an intensely creative person with his fingers in too many audio and visual pies to get into here. Does anyone know if he has a website? He's also incredibly warm and friendly).

I stayed on the couch a little too long, watching 24 with my roommate and the Wee Kit, so I missed the opener, but I got there in time to see Rose perform, and was she ever in her element. For those of you who've never had the privilege to meet her or see her, Rose is more woman than most. She's got this larger than life quality to her (kind of like a drag queen), yet there is such a genuine, salt-of-the-earth sweetness to her you can't help but be captivated by her (it also doesn't hurt that, as a friend pointed out, every time she talks to you, she puts her arm around you and rubs her breast against you in the most friendly, "breast rub for good luck" manner). Her voice is big and beautiful, smoky and sensual, powerful and playful all at once. I knew that Rose is an intense Sox fan, but I didn't realize she is fiercely Irish, too. Being that the show was a few days before St. Patrick's Day, she had a bunch of her friends (one being a giant bottle of Jamison) share the stage with her to play mostly Irish folk songs. Everyone played well, but Rose owned the set. She closed her set with an Irish good-bye done acapella that silenced the room. Oi!

Before the set, I happened to be goofing with Jonah and Brendon (choreographing the musical about Marrion Barry) when Brandon came by and announced, "Change of plans, tonight we're gonna go electric." Hoo-ah! By this point, thanks to Brendon, I was two beers deep and ready to rock. And oh man, did they kill it. Their set was fueled by Jamison, loud, sweaty, gritty, and brilliant. It was far from pristine, but that's not what real rock and roll is about. It's about heart and soul, and they were full of it. I think Brandon is my new guitar hero. Song after song, he ripped out guitar solos and fills that made me scream like I was 23 again, in love with the world, and without a care or need save one: a good dose of rock.

I have always said I believe in the transcending power of music to achieve moments of utopian inspiration: when you are living in the life you want to live in a world the way you choose to see it. A music critic for The Boston Phoenix once put it this way: "Things may be fucked, you may be fucked, the whole world may be fucked. But a good pop song can change that for three minutes. An album, for an hour. And that's something."

Over the last few months, I'd gotten so tangled up in romance and relationship and rejection that I'd forgotten why I live my life the way I do. Why am I educated and intelligent, yet on and off for the last five years I've been working as a professional office monkey? Why do I still not have health insurance? Why don't I know what love is? Well, last night I was reminded I do know what love is. It's the feeling of a cymbal crash on the one after a fill on four. It's the content way a head bobs when the groove of the bass takes hold of your skull. It's the rush of a guitar line that feels like flying.

Having writer's block is just a matter of forgetting oneself. Find yourself again, and you will find your song. For far too long, I've floundered, doubting my choices, doubting my chances, doubting myself. I can't do that anymore. It's time to get busy living, to come out of my cocoon, spread my wings and fly. I need to see the shores of the Pacific again, need to breathe the delicious air of the red state of Wyoming, be transported to another planet in the sands of the southwest. I need to get on stage, night after night, and give back that feeling of hope I've gotten so many times.

Brandon said at the show last night, "Quit your job. Start a band. I did." It's about time for me to do it, too. Thank you, Brandon Butler Band. Thank you for helping me remember myself. I promise I won't forget again.

PS - I just got dropped from yet-another temp job! Do I sense a pattern? Does anyone out there have any better suggestions on what I could do to make a buck? I'm not taking my clothes off, thank you very much! ?!